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SCENE FROM A BIRTHDAY DINNER

Daughter: "So what do you think of my birthday cake?"
Father: "MMM..."
Daughter: "MMM?? Really??"
Father: "MMM..."
Daughter: "You're not just saying that to be nice?"
Father: "MMM... MMM... MMM..."
Daughter: "Hey everyone -- Daddy likes my cake!"
Father: "MMM... YYY... JAWWW... ISSS... GLUUUED... SHHHUT..."

HOW PARENTHOOD CHANGES YOUR LIFE

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:
YOUR CLOTHES:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

THE BABY'S NAME:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

THE LAYETTE:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

ACTIVITIES:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

GOING OUT:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

AT HOME:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Ok, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

A BOY WASHES HIS DOG

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."

CAT AND MOUSE IN HEAVEN

A mouse gets to Heaven and God asks him, "What do you want more than anything else."
The mouse relpies, "Just a pair of roller skates."
So of course his wish is granted and he skates off happily into Heaven.
The next day a cat gets to Heaven. He is asked, "What do you want more than anything else?"
"Just a good meal," replies the cat.
So the cat is told that his wish will be granted soon and is sent off to his room.
Later that night the cat hears a knock at his door. It's one of the angels who has come to check up on the newcomer. The angel asks, "So, are you enjoying your stay?"
"Oh yes!," answers the cat, "Just tonight I was served meals on wheels!"

JOE'S BARBER SHOP REGULAR GOES TO ROME

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As Joe snips away, Joe asks, "what's up?"
The man explains he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city! You'd be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"Ha! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip.
You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class."
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling.
It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"



The Bride

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister fordear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

THE CHIEF

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

ALWAYS LOOK TWICE

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said. "You were in it!"

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun give us light only in the day time when we dont' need it.

3) Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

4) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher: Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam: It's a family tradition.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Sam: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher: What about your mother?
Sam: She's a woman.

7) Tarun: How should I convey the news to my father that I'vefailed?
Dinesh: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

8) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

9) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

10) Patient: What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute. Too bad they missed.

Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough!

Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?
No, I went for that five years ago.

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep !

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who*s in a hurry ?

Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !

A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!

A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there???
The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As
a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes. "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

GRANDPA AND GRANDMA

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled
and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

KIDS WILL BE KIDS

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."

This is a Conversation between a software engineer and his wife have a look.....
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family? 
Husband: Unknown Virus.

TALK ISN'T CHEAP

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Subject: letter from sardar's mom
A letter from a Sardar's mom !!!!!
Pyaaarey Puttar, Vahe Guru.
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't readfast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved!I won't be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed inthis house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm notsure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled thechain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week.The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off andput them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, shewill come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He iscutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know wether you are an uncle or an aunty. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much hashappened.
Love,
Mom

Chat Room Dating

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe."Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.
"Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red.
"You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and... female!"

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

LISTEN TO YOUR LOVED ONES

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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