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MY FIVE GENTLEMEN CALLERS

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritus shows up, and he stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay! What a life.

P.S.: The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or in the basement -- I ask myself 'what I am hereafter!'"

An Act Of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

A teenage girl walks into her house and her mother says, "Honey, there's rice in your hair! Have you been to a wedding?" The girl says, "No, I was blowing a Chinese person and he threw up."

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from and eighty-year-old and walking a tightrope?
In both cases you don't really want to look down.

Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A: Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

A couple who had been married for many years just returned from an evening out with some friends. The wife was in the kitchen preparing a chicken for the next days meal. The husband walks through the kitchen and she starts yelling to him about his incessant flatulence. "Damn you," she carps. "You have humiliated me in front of our friends for the last time. Your farting is the most disgusting thing... you don't even try to muffle them. I warn you, one of these days you are going to fart your guts out." With that, the husband leaves the kitchen and goes to bed. Within minutes she can hear him snoring and farting in bed from the kitchen. As she cleans the chicken, she suddenly has an idea. She takes the chicken guts and sneaks into the bedroom where she carefully slides them into the back of her husband's pajama bottoms, then quietly makes her way back to the kitchen. A short time later she hears her husband's blood-curdling scream. She races to the bedroom to see him dash into the bathroom. "What on earth is the matter, dear?", she asks knowingly. After a few moments he opens the door and replies, "Well, you were right. But with God's help and these two fingers I think I got everything back in place!"

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in jacuzzis

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: How do you know a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: There's lipstick all over the cucumbers.

Cinderella is about to go to the ball when her fairy godmother stops her to give her her time limit. She says, " If you're not home by midnight a pumpkin will grow out of your vagina." Cinderella agrees and leaves for the ball. Comes midnight and her carriage is nowhere in sight. Three hours later her fairy godmother finally sees her walking down the road. "Where have you been? You should have a pumpkin out of your vagina!", she exclaimed. "Oh the prince took care of that," Cinderella sighs. "Well, who is this prince? I know no one with that power!" "Oh, Peter Peter something or other..."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

MAKING COFFEE

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Butt Cheek

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly.
The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery.
She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying.
"What's the matter?" her husband asked.
She said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for u.
"But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

Lipstick Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Georgie was sitting home, polishing off the case of beer and watching a television show, when the announcer came on and gave the following commercial:
"When you see a beautiful girl you don't notice her beautiful form, you don't notice her beautiful face, you don't notice her beautiful legs. The first thing you notice her her hat--"
"Hey listen," interrupted Georgie. "The kiddies are all in bed. Let's give the right answer."

PILOTS KNOW BEST

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind," he stated.
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."

Bad Hearing

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"

HOW A BLONDE TRIED TO FIX THE CAR

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.
She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out" She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

THE SMART PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi Hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

Gonna Get Lucky

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. "We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Oops...A Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her loverwatches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of theconversation.Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so gladthat you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip withyou."

Four-Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words! "Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH,IRON, COOK...!"

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."
The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"
Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."
The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."
Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"
She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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