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HOW PARENTHOOD CHANGES YOUR LIFE

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:
YOUR CLOTHES:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

THE BABY'S NAME:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

THE LAYETTE:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

ACTIVITIES:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

GOING OUT:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

AT HOME:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Ok, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm..."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

A BOY WASHES HIS DOG

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."

CAT AND MOUSE IN HEAVEN

A mouse gets to Heaven and God asks him, "What do you want more than anything else."
The mouse relpies, "Just a pair of roller skates."
So of course his wish is granted and he skates off happily into Heaven.
The next day a cat gets to Heaven. He is asked, "What do you want more than anything else?"
"Just a good meal," replies the cat.
So the cat is told that his wish will be granted soon and is sent off to his room.
Later that night the cat hears a knock at his door. It's one of the angels who has come to check up on the newcomer. The angel asks, "So, are you enjoying your stay?"
"Oh yes!," answers the cat, "Just tonight I was served meals on wheels!"

JOE'S BARBER SHOP REGULAR GOES TO ROME

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As Joe snips away, Joe asks, "what's up?"
The man explains he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city! You'd be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"Ha! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip.
You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class."
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling.
It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"



The Bride

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister fordear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

THE CHIEF

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

ALWAYS LOOK TWICE

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said. "You were in it!"

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