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THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun give us light only in the day time when we dont' need it.

3) Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

4) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher: Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam: It's a family tradition.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Sam: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher: What about your mother?
Sam: She's a woman.

7) Tarun: How should I convey the news to my father that I'vefailed?
Dinesh: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

8) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

9) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

10) Patient: What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute. Too bad they missed.

Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough!

Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?
No, I went for that five years ago.

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep !

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who*s in a hurry ?

Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !

A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!

A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra crossing there???
The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As
a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes. "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is
flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

GRANDPA AND GRANDMA

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled
and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

KIDS WILL BE KIDS

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."

This is a Conversation between a software engineer and his wife have a look.....
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family? 
Husband: Unknown Virus.

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