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TALK ISN'T CHEAP

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Subject: letter from sardar's mom
A letter from a Sardar's mom !!!!!
Pyaaarey Puttar, Vahe Guru.
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't readfast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved!I won't be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed inthis house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm notsure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled thechain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week.The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off andput them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, shewill come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He iscutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know wether you are an uncle or an aunty. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much hashappened.
Love,
Mom

Chat Room Dating

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe."Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.
"Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red.
"You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and... female!"

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

LISTEN TO YOUR LOVED ONES

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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