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The Reason I Drink Beer

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

25 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMAN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer-stains wash out easily.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the can is still worth two cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right you always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easily.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel quilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know if you're the first one to open a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

How Long Until I Can Get A Haircut?

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy walks out.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
Once again, the guy leaves the shop.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
Again, the guy walks out.
The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"
"To your house."

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

An elderly couple went to the doctor complaining about their memory loss. The doctor explained it is normal, and suggested they try and write things down. In the evening the husband said, "I'm going to get something to snack on. Do you wan't something?" "I'll take some ice cream please," said the wife. He started off and she said, "Better write that down." He said, "No need." She added, "Put some strawberries on top, and write this down." He said, "No need." Again she added, "I need some nuts on that too. Better write it down." He gave her a look. Much later he returned with bacon and eggs. "I told you to write it down, " she said, "Where is my toast?"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

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