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WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence -- a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant - first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
Finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

INFANT WEIGHT PROBLEM

At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

 HOW TO HANDLE COMPETITION

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.

 Blondes On Top

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

 Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A Good Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.
"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."

Writing With Emotional Appeal

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

I'm The Boss!

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Never Anger Your Nurse

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Here are some important questions to ask an alien before having sex:

• Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
• Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
• Which one is your mouth?
• Does the space ship have a back seat?
• Do you have any pets?
• What noises mean "enjoyment"?
• Do those big eyes magnify things in size?
• You are...the opposite sex of me...right?

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