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Nasty Stuff

An Interesting Golf Game

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch. She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

There was this little boy who woke up 3 nights in a row to hear his parents making noises from their bedroom. On the 3rd morning, the little boy finally asked his mom, "Mom, for the last 3 night I waked up during the night, and I hear you and daddy making noises from your room. Why?" Surprised by the question the mom replies, "Well... I am jumping up and down on him because he is so fat, that it makes him feel thin." Then the boy said, "That won't work mom!" The mom asks, "Why?" The boy then says, "Because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes by and pumps dad right back up!"

A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.
The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."
Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!"



One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to goto the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."



A guy had only $1 but he wanted to fuck somebody so he went to a whore house. When he got there he told the madam about his situation and she told him to go upstairs the 2nd door on his right. When he got there he saw an old female on the bed. He was disgusted but started fucking her anyway. Something was scratching his dick so he asked her what it was. She told him she'll be back and went to the bathroom. She came back and he started fucking her again and this time she felt smooth. So he asked her what it was that caused the scratching on his dick. She told him that she had scabs and that she had popped them and let the puss flow.

There was a girl who needed to go take a shower, but her mom was in there already. Her mother says, "You can take a shower with me if you don't look up or down." The girl looks down and asks what is that? Her mother says, "My grass." Then she looks up and asks what those are. Her mom says those are her headlights. The next day she needs to take a shower, but her dad is in there. Her dad says it's okay to come in, but don't look down! She looks down and says, "What is that?" Her dad says, "My snake." That night, the girl has a bad dream and wants to go sleep with her parents. After she gets in bed with her parents she says, "Mommy! Mommy! Turn on your headlights because there is a snake in the grass!"



Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money. But when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter. Pissed off, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable. The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "You're free to go," the farmer says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?" Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third guy is still out there, picking WATERMELONS."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he sees this beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar reading a book so he tells the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender sets the beer down in front of her but she didn't pay any attention to it and continues reading. The guy is a little disturbed so he tells the bartender to send another drink, but again she ignores it and continues reading. The guy thinks to himself, "Maybe I should try one more time." So he tells the bartender to send her one more beer, but again she ignores it and keeps reading. Now the guy is getting a little upset so he decides to go talk to this woman. He walks up and says, "Excuse me miss, but I just bought you 3 beers and you ignored all of them. May I ask why?" She replies, "I'm sorry I was too wrapped up in this book of male genitalia. Did you know that Indian men have the widest fattest dicks?" "Um, no I didn't know that." "And did you know that Mexicans have the longest dicks of any men?" "Nope, didn't know that one either." The woman then extends her hand and says, "My name is Cathy, what is yours?" He said, "Tonto Rodriguez!"

Two guys went to a bar and got all drunk and later found themselves in a dark alley all alone. One guy says, "Where are we?" The other says, "I dunno." So then the first person said to the other guy, "Hey I got a huge boner man. It's the biggest one that I've ever had. I have to get home to my girlfriend right now." "Well hey, I better come with you.", says the second guy. "What?", says the first guy. "Well, uh, that's my dick in your hand.", said the second guy.



There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".



There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up, they met together on a dog. They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first replied, "I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable." The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied, "I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few times, and then spit in my damn face."



This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over. As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode! A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition. The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan!



There was a girl and a boy who were both in the fourth grade. The boy came by the girl's house with a football and teased
the girl saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl." The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a
football. The boy got pissed off when he saw her with her football. So the next day he comes by with a boys bike and teases
her saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a girl!" So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike.
The boy gets very pissed off again when she showed him her new bike. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!" She goes crying to her mom and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!"



It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

A nun comes out of a building and hails a cab. The cab driver pulls over and she gets in. He asks her where she's going and she responds by saying, "I'm headed to 682 West Haven Road." The cab driver says, "Well that's a long way off. So do you mind if we talk?" The nun says, "No not at all." The cab driver says, "So sister, do you ever think of well, you know, doing it?" "Well, yes. The thought has crossed my mind." Then the cab driver says, "And what would the circumstances have to be, to do it." The nun says, "Well he would have to be unmarried, have no children, and be a Christian." "Well this is your lucky day sister. I'm all those things. You wouldn't have to break any vows or anything, you'd just have to go down on me." The nun looks out the window and realizes that they are out in a very rural area and no one was really around to see them. So the nun hops into the front seat and ten minutes later hops into the back seat. The cab driver now has a huge ear to ear grin on his face. And as they arrive at the house he says, "Hey sister I lied to you, I'm married, I have six kids, and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "Well that's okay. I lied too. My name is Bob and I'm headed to a costume party."



One day Superman was flying though the air and was thinking, "Man I gotta get laid," he said to himself. Just then he saw Wonderwoman laying nude on the beach. So he thought up a plan. "I'll fly down there, fuck her real fast, fly away, and she'll never know what hit her," he said. So he flew down real fast, pumped a couple of times and flew off. Then she sat up and said, "What in the hell was that." Then the invisible man sat up and said, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts."



This guy was having an affair with this girl. He thought he heard her husband pull up so he ripped off his yellow condom and through it out the window. The woman said, "My husband won't be home for another 15 minutes." The man went out side and found the condom and continued making love with her. This kept going on for a little while. Then he thought he heard her husband outside and again he ripped off the condom and threw it outside. She said, "He won't be home for five more minutes." He went outside to get it and found a little kid holding it. He told the kid to give it back to him. The guy eventually ended up paying ten dollars to get it back. The kid went home and told him mom, "I sold a guy a twinkie today for ten dollars, but I made sure to suck out the filling first!"



Well, after the big bad wolf had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding Hood about staying on the path while walking to her house. One day, Mother prepared freshly baked bread for Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother. On her way, as she skipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out onto the path and said, "Give me the basket of goodies, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." Immediately, Little Red Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off running. Mother was very upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering the basket to Grandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn't tell Mother what had happened; she thought she could take care of this herself. She put her father's .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of bread. So, the next day, while skipping along the path to Grandmother's house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, "Hand the basket over, or I'm going to pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." This time though, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, "But first, you're going to eat me, like the book says."



It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."



A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."



A Useful Tool
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. As you have already no doubt guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.

My comment: I guess some toothbrushes have holes at one end. None of the ones I ever used had a hole at the end, but I guess some do.



Bob and Fred are walking by a 7-Eleven, as Bob turns to Fred and says, "I dare you to take off your clothes, go into the store, buy two candy bars, and come back outside to get your clothes!" Fred then asks, "What's in it for me?" Bob exclaims, "I'll give you $200!" "Okay", Fred replied. So Fred strips down to nothing, walks into the store, buys the two candy bars, and exits the store. When he get outside he noticed that Bob was gone with his clothes. Freaking out, he notices three nuns walking by, so he freezes with his hands pressed to his chest, one candy bar in each hand. The three nuns walk over to him. "Ah, a vending machine!", the first nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. "I want one too", the second nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. The third nun, being a little impatient, says, "Let me through, I might want one you know!" So the nuns step aside, as she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, but doesn't get anything. So she continues yanking and yanking and yanking. Giving up she says, "I may not have gotten a candy bar, but I did get some nice hand lotion!"



There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play. The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of." The little boy thought it would be easy enough so he tried. After a while the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmothers hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole. The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars." The next day the little boy was playing again and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?" The grandfather said, " Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"



There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a tattoo on the inside of her right thigh. The guy asked her what of and she told him a turkey. He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh. One again he looked at her like she was crazy but did as she wished. While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?" And she replied, "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Did you hear about Michael Jackson and the Boyscouts?.................he's up to two packs a day!
Recently Michael opened an amusement park...............you have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!
After Michael's terrible breakup he started playing the field..........the little league field!
Why are Michael Jackson's pants so short?..................they're not his!
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?..................39 year old meat between 11 year old buns!



Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"



There was a man who was traveling to different cities and he was very tired from walking all day. One night, he saw this really big and tall house and he wondered if anyone lived there. He went up to the house and knocked on the door. An ugly old Chinese man opened the door. The traveler asked the old man if he could stay there for the night because he was tired. The Chinese man agreed to let him stay the night but only if he didn't touch his young virgin daughter. The old man also said that if the traveler touched his daughter, he would inflict him with the three Chinese tortures. The traveling man, thinking the daughter was as ugly as the old man, agreed to this. Later that night while eating dinner, the man saw the old man's daughter and they instantly fell in love. That night, they had sex all night long. When the traveler woke up in the morning, he had a 10 pound rock on his chest with a note that said, "1st Chinese Torture-- 10 pound rock on chest." The man easily picked up the rock off him and thought to himself, "Oh big deal, this isn't punishment at all for what I did last night!" With that, the man walked up to the window and threw the rock outside. The second he did that, he read a sign saying, "2nd Chinese Torture-- rock tied to your left nut." Panicked, the man jumped out the window so that the rock couldn't pull his balls off. After he jumped out the window, he read another sign that said, "3rd Chinese Torture-- right nut tied to the bed."

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"



There is a 14 year old kid who asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday. His father says, "Well son...Can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy tries it and says, "No daddy, sorry" "Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!"
Next year the same scenario happens... "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No dad" "Then get the hell outta my face!"

Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his asshole.

"Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?" The dad says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, "You bet Dad! Look!" The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his asshole with his dick. Then his Dad says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!"

There were these two black kids, one boy and one girl, who wanted to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Well, the first year they decided to go as Ken and Barbie. When they were out walking around a white kid comes up and says, "Hey, who are you supposed to be?" They two black kids say Ken and Barbie. The white kid says you can't be them. Somewhat surprised, the black kids ask why, and the white kid says, "Because you're black and Ken and Barbie are supposed to be white." So the next year the two black kids go out naked. The white kid came up to them and asked, "Who or what the hell are you two supposed to be?" The two black kids replied, "We're two chocolate candy bars--one with nuts and one without!"
My comment: I don't mean for this joke to make fun of African-Americans. I just thought it was funny and nasty enough for it to be on my joke page.

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. $20 dollars replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!!!!!



A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for." Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.



Fred's dad was so old that he finally had to put him in a resthome. So the first night Fred's dad was there he got a raging hardon and the nurse that was there saw it. She decided to do the old guy a favor and suck em off, so she did. The next day Fred came by and asked his dad how his first night at the rest home went. His dad said he loved it there and never wanted to leave. The next day Fred's dad had fallen over the bathtub. As he was lying there an orderly had just happened to be passing by and saw him bent over the tub, and so he quickly came up behind the old man and crammed a woody up the old guys corn hole. The next day Fred came back to see his dad and again asked him how he liked his second night at the new home. His dad replied that he hated it there and that he wanted to leave. His son was surprised and said, "But dad, I thought you said you loved it here." In which his dad replied, "You don't understand, I only get a hardon about once a month, but I fall down almost everyday!!"



Nasty Mommy Mommy Jokes
son: Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
mom: Shut up, we only have it once a month.

son: Mommy Mommy! why are you moaning?
mom: Shut up and keep licking.

son: Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?
dad: Shut up and unhook my bra.

son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna be a daddy
mom: Shut up and get in bed.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
mom: Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

son: Daddy, Daddy what is incest?
dad: Shut up and suck.

son: Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?
mom: mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
mom: Shut up and give your sister another tampon.



A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth. When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."



A trucker driving down a highway one night was feeling horny when he noticed a sign on the side of the road that said: "Modern Whorehouse, next right". Intrigued, he turned at the next right and a bit down the road saw a brightly lit building with a sign saying: "Modern Whorehouse, Open 24 Hrs.". After parking his rig, he approaches the building's front door where he sees a sign saying: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $5 in slot below to enter". He shoves a $5 bill in the slot which swings open revealing a bare room with another door at the opposite wall. Approaching this door, he sees another sign on it that says: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $50 in slot below for the screwing of your lifetime". Highly aroused, he shoves a $50 bill into the slot and rushes through the door as it opens and then shuts behind him. In bewilderment, he finds himself outside in back of the building. Turning around, he notices a sign on the outside of the door proclaiming: "This is a modern Whorehouse, you have just been screwed!"



There were three boys who were all late for school. The first boy came into class, and the teacher asked him where he was. The first boy said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." The second boy came into class and the teacher asked him where
he was he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." When the third boy came into class, the teacher asked him where he was and
he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill" All of a sudden a new girl came into the classroom. The teacher asked what her name was and she said, "My name is Strawberry Hill."



A man was on holiday in Spain, went to a local restaurant. There he saw a man eating two big balls and he asked the waiter what that was. The waiter replied that those were the balls of a bull who lost in a bullfight and it was a custom to eat the balls. The man said he also wanted balls of a bull, but the waiter told him there weren't any left and that he had to come back tomorrow. So the next day the man went back to the restaurant and he asked for the two balls and so he got two little balls. The man says to the waiter that the other guy yesterday got two big balls and he asked why he got two little balls. "Well," replies the waiter, "it's not always the bull who loses."



One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"



There is a lady who goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "No," the woman replies, "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want," exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!," the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"



An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how
has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns
the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"



The man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have
a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its
3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some
talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and
she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked,
but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few
drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his
hands are covered with powder and... "You God Damn liar!!! You went bowling again huh?!?!"



It was Sunday and God had finally finished creating the world. He stopped by Adam and Eve and said "Well, I have two
treats left in my creation book, the first is the ability to stand up and pee, who wants it?" Adam went nuts, he demanded that
God give him the ability to stand up and pee. God thought about it for a while and agreed to give Adam the ability to stand up
and pee, then he turned to Eve and said, "Sorry Eve, all I have left is multiple orgasms."



There is a guy who loved his girlfriend so much he decided to have her name tattooed to his dick. It said "WY" when it was
soft, and "Wendy" when he was hard. A few months later the couple get married. For their honeymoon they decided to go to
an island resort. While there, they decided to go to a nude beach. When he was there on the beach, he saw a local man with
the letters "Wy" on his dick too, so the tourist went up to the native and asked, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"
The man says with a thick Island accent, "No.. mine says, 'Welcome To The Island, Have A Nice Day'."



A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, " Golly, the gals really got it made....." Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Dumb Blond Jokes

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blond passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blond like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: What did the blond think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blond with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What important question does a blond ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?



Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!



Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"



Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."



There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1,000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try.
The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds.
Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds.
Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that stated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed.
The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!"



There were three guys driving down the highway. A cop pulls them over and says, "I don't want to give you a ticket so if all your dicks add up to 21 inches I'll let you go." The first guy whips his dick out and it's 10 inches. The second guy takes his out and it's 10 inches too. The cop says all you need is one more inch. So the third guy takes his out and it's one inch. Cop says, "Well a deal is a deal, I'll let you go." Later the the two 10 inch guys look at the one inch guy and asked surprised, one inch? The guy replies, "Yeah I had a boner."

The Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect
couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone
at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

The Gynaecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now",he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breastcancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

As usual, the Wife has the last say....sigh (thanx Meister)

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

The New Secretary

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

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